b e n l y

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9.25.2002

Damn these mood swings. I'd rather just be pissed all the time, know what I'm sayin? I have a new found respect for females/shemales that go through this shit every month. It sucks monkey ass. If only they made glasses with PMS-vision.

Come to think of it, maybe I'm bipolar. Is that when you're moody like all the time? Maybe I need a valium. Or maybe I have that disease where you think you're sick all the time. Hahah. Damn. Mood swings. Damn! See what I mean?! Or shit, maybe I've reverted to my old attention-boy self.

Trying to think of more shit to write but this blog is starting to sound a bit... bitchy? Maybe there's something on womencentral that can help...
19:17 |

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More office mellow-drama:

So on monday one of the managers here stabbed her hand with a paperclip because of me. But if wouldn't have happened if she wasn't so stupid.

Today a girl brought around some cookies her husband had made at home from those premade Tollhouse packs. He over-baked them. I threw half of it away. I hope she doesn't find it.

That's about it for now. I'll make a real entry later.
10:13 |

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9.23.2002

What happened to my laugh? I used to have a cool laugh. A low, jolly, pleasantly nonchalant laugh, that came from the gut, with luv. I used to get complimented on my laugh. Seriously. Ok, like once, but it was a helluva compliment. "You have the best laugh!" That's better than being told my laugh is annoying. Now I clap when I laugh. It's somewhat barky and repetitive; I sound like a seal in heat. No, but seriously, that's what someone told me. They said I look/sound like a seal when I laugh cuz I clap my hands. That sucks man! Damn! It's on my list of things to fix, just above letting traffic get me down (which has never really happened till recently), and just below getting a prescription for my DGDD (after talking to someone that has met someone else with ADD, I decided that I don't have ADD. I have Damn-Giving Defecit Disorder. As in I don't give a damn so I zone out). This may be a result of me just being selfish though, and trying to talk more than I listen. This I am looking into. Fizzle my nizzle, be dizzle?

Big up to my homie SnowBoots. Sorry I missed your party. I'm self-involved.

02:51 |

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9.20.2002

Hmm... You ever feel like you want to edit parts of your personality? And supposing you succeed, if you make a conscious decision to change, at what point do you cease being a falsity and start being a truly different person? Sometimes my "good" parts feel like bitchslapping my "bad" parts. But then all the neutral parts get stuck in the middle and all of a sudden there isn't enough room in my body for all my parts to coexist and then I get gassy. Beer gives me gas too. Or maybe beer gets to my good parts and makes em wanna start shit? Hmm...

Memoranda:
* Avoid alcohol consumption in public or in large (i.e. greater than 4, inclusive) groups of people.
* If ever presented with a choice between loss of speech and loss of anything else, choose the former.

13:58 |

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9.16.2002

This is the umpteenth time this has happened to me. I open up my browser at work and see something on msn.com that interests me... I click it and it takes me to womencentral.msn.com
How am I supposed to interpret this? I am looking for something besides the obvious, please.

Oh yeah, and I actually managed to get uninvited from a coworker's BBQ. Yes, the same thought struck me when I first found out... it is quite an accomplishment, isn't it? I'd like to thank my parents for their support, my friends for keeping me grounded, and my fucking job, which brings me pleasure to no end.

Wanna see the illustrious award yourself? Clicky clicky
21:55 |

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9.14.2002

So yeah... gonna try to force myself to write about something that has substance today, even though I don't feel like I don't have anything to say. If I don't write today, well then the 4 day break will turn into a week will turn into two weeks and then I'll end up never fuckin using this thing again. My friend said I should get more personal. What's that supposed to mean? I think it means that my content is not interesting enough as it is. I could make shit up, but then when I come back and look at this later, I'll be like, "damn. I did that?!" ... ... which, come to think of it, might actually be a nice little ride. Well anyway, here's a stupid random thought. Just to get something down, you know: I think the way you know you are addicted to something is if you find yourself closing your eyes when you do it.

Actually, no. That is the stupidest thing I've ever thought of. Fuckin hell. Enough with this random thoughts bullshit. This isn't a Jack Handey website.

p.s. Anyone wanna go see stealing harvard or the barber shop? preferably under the influence of something
15:21 |

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9.10.2002

Signs of aging (in no particular order):
1.) Loss of patience
2.) Having difficulty adapting to new settings/people/positions
3.) Long-term memory loss (this one's tricky; if you forgot it, how do you know you've forgotten?)
3b.) Paranoia about forgetting things
4.) Loss of hearing
5.) Attention Deficit; not necessarily the disorder, but just zoning out in general
6.) Short-term memory loss (i.e. like why you started doing something, such as making a list. Fucking hell...)

well I guess I will finish it later.

7.) Procrastination
8.) Satisfaction with tasks completed in a half-assed manner

Non-daily Tip of the Day:
* Hey kids, don't try to cut your hair when you're drunk

I think I've developed an oral fixation. Or maybe it's more of an eating disorder? Shit, all these ideas coming to me now that I have to put down before I forget. Sorry if they are out of order. I'm not anorexic or bulemic. How come they don't have a medical term for over-eating? or do they? or is "over-eating" a medical term? Research project. Damn. As if I don't have enough to do already. I was just thinking, you know, cuz it'd probably make a good euphamism for fat people. I can say that now without feeling bad cuz I'm fat too! Anyway, getting back to oral fixations... I've found myself with something in my mouth, more often then not, not including sleep time, or eating time. But now that I think about it, I might have shit in my mouth when I sleep... and eating doesn't count cuz well, you know, you are supposed to have shit in your mouth when you do that. Otherwise you might be anorexic. Anyway, sunflower seeds and altoids. Damn, do I talk to much? I sound like fucking Edie McClurg from the Hogan Family. YES, I looked that up... I watched the damn show but it's not like I was obsessed...
21:18 |

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9.09.2002

This is getting ridiculous... I've now spent more hours at work than I have at home this weekend. I think I'm gonna take off early today and treat myself to some new CDs. And a haircut. Then I'll stop complaining. Promise.
04:29 |

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9.08.2002

I'm beginning to resent a lot of people...

I've noticed myself becoming a little bit more cynical everyday, maybe hoping someone will bump into me a not apologize, giving me an excuse to beat the shit out of them. I know this is bad... very bad... but I don't know if it can be helped. I'm making it sound a lot worse than it is though. I should probably also clarify the point that it's not like I'm constantly feeling like this. It's just some of the time... like when I'm stuck at work later than I should be or don't think I should be. Kinda like right now.
But getting back to the resentment thing: I don't know. I guess I just feel like the world has been stringing me along for the last 10 years or so... telling me what I should do, that I'll appreciate it later, that this is what good, responsible people do with their lives. You ever work really hard at something, despite the fact that you can't see the end in sight, and then you get there and you're let down? It's not that I'm really MAD about it or anything... I just wish I could have that time back and have one more go at it... you know, tell them, hey, that's not really what I wanted to do. But I guess everyone feels that way about a lot of things in their life. It's not like it's too late for me to start over either, is it? Goddamn... I'm convinced that money is the root of all evils.

Time to focus on and appreciate the simple pleasures in life... good music, good friends, good times.

16:00 |

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9.06.2002

*sigh* ...still at work. Damn, man. I'm an amit!

Norah, sweet Norah... my salvation...
00:19 |

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9.05.2002

So I'm at work... waiting for my (other) computer to finish doing its thing... I'm not gonna get mad at it for being so slow, cuz it probably works a lot harder than I do, but I'm not gonna waste time either, so I'm gonna get this shit outta the way for now. Recently, it's been brought to my attention that I'm an asshole. As a result, my tongue is all fucked up and has been for a couple days. Upon closer inspection, I found that I had actually managed to bite some tastebuds off. Yea, my tongue has a fuckin bald spot. Crazy shit. I probably deserve it though, and am reminded every time I try to eat or drink or talk or brush my teeth. So what'd I do? I was an asshole with words; a veritable spring of verbal flatulence. The fact that the punishment was so befitting the crime is all the more convincing to me how wrong I really was. So, I'd like to let everyone know that I am in the process of rectumifying the situation, but please allow me some time to adjust. After all, it's been 23 long years of practicing bad habits.

Ok, topic No. 2: this one's a random thought. Don't you hate how some things don't seem to have any grey area? It's like you're either on one extreme, or the other, and neither (n-ee-ther or n-eye-ther?) happen to be very nice. It's like you're insensitive, or you're a pussy. Goddammit. What's a guy supposed to do? I just realized that breaking this asshole routine is going to be harder than I thought. Fucking hell. (<-- I love saying this shit now, except the guy I'm copying from uses in a different context... like he'll say one stupid thing, and say, "Jesus", and then say another thing to try to save himself but it comes out sounding even stupider/more stupid (hah. oops. bite me). So then he says, "Fucking hell."
Cracks me up, goddammit. I just can't wait till I can use it in the same context. Fucking hell.
19:42 |

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9.01.2002

Yizzo... skizzo my nizzo...

So I've decided I should start making an effort to differentiate between anger and passion. I had another thought to post before too, but now I forget what it was... dizzam. I remember trying to think of the noun form of a word that was an adjective, if that helps. HA.

On a completely different note, I'd like to give a shoutout to my boy over on the south side, GOHphatzi... It is an honor to be on his honor roll. Shit, that didn't make me sound very intelligent... but then again, it's not an academic honor roll... I like to think of it more as a list of super-decent people. Made my day... man! I use "..." too much.
11:56 |

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