b e n l y

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10.20.2002

I might be addicted to addictions... or habits maybe? All I know is that if it isn't one thing it's another... alcohol, or nicotine, or going to the gym. At least going to the gym is supposed to be good for you. Speaking of which, I'm not sure why I go anymore. I've reached my initial goal, which was to be able to put my socks on in the morning without my gut getting in the way. But now my head looks too big for my body (I mean, it did before too, but now it's a lot more obvious). Where will it end?! Kinda like plastic surgery, or so I hear. I should just quit now while I don't care as much. Otherwise, I'm totally gonna turn into a jock. I just know it. How? Because before I would laugh to myself when I saw guys at the gym checking themselves out in the mirror. Today I noticed I'm starting to do it too... but then I had a vague flashback to this little trick Thu played on me... the last time we were all out drinkin, he kept saying how burly I looked and I kept trying to blow it off like it was nothing. You know, play my modesty card. Finally he was like, "c'mon man, just flex your arm," and that's how he got me. Then he was like, "whoa your forearms are huge... probably from all that masturbating." Man! I dunno how long he'd been waiting to use that, you know? but it was a good one, and I totally deserved it. I guess I'll be fine as long as I have friends to keep me in check like that. Otherwise I'll have to move on to something else.
01:26 |

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10.18.2002

damn man... this thing is starting to become a bit of a chore, like a clingy girlfriend...

heh. I should be so lucky.

Sooooo... just another sign of how my priorities are starting to get outta whack. I don't talk to the people I care about nearly enough. An early new year's resolution. Time to reprioritize and get organized goddammit! fuuuuhhck... I'm can see myself changing and I hate it...
00:40 |

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10.13.2002

Again, not much to write about, but I feel like I should make up for my week of slacking... So... oh, I found $20 in the parking lot at Century 21. That was probably the most noteworthy thing that happened to me this week... thought I'd do something nice like put it in a donation jar for some charity or buy someone a movie ticket who was watching one by themselves. I thought it over though, and came to the conclusion that if I was stuck watching a movie by myself, I'd want to be as inconspicuous as possible and have as little human interaction as possible... Then that got me to thinking about how sad it is that some of the nicest people in the world end up having to watch movies by themselves, or eat dinner by themselves. Doesn't that suck? I'm gonna do some serious people watching next time I'm out... pay particular attention to people eating/drinking/spending time by themselves. Try to guess why they are alone... not that there's anything wrong with that. Speaking of which, it also made me remember seeing this commercial on PBS many times when I was younger, usually while spending a summer day at home watching tv. It wasn't for a product or anything... it was more like a public service announcement. It had this little girl playing in the park and a voice over recorded by her saying, "I like to play with my friends... but sometimes, I like to be alone." Even now I don't know what the hell the message was supposed to be. Was it consolation and maybe a gentle brainwashing for kids that were stuck at home that didn't have any friends? Anyway, I've gotten way off topic again. So yeah, I found $20 and bought my friends some dinner. And that was that.

Thanks to tol-a-naomi for updating her blog (finally)! Trust me, you're not going to hell... but yeah, it might come around to get you a couple more times. But at least you have a conscience... which is a lot more that I can say for other people I know. Rock on!
15:28 |

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10.11.2002

There hasn't been much to write about. Some work drama, some personal drama. Nothing mind-blowing. Haven't had much time to think up stupid shit either so... uh yeah. Been busy. Been helping my dad out, been trying to get shit done at work.
Hung out with my budees last night for the first time in a l o n g while. It was fun... really really fun! Almost didn't make it though. Thank God for unreliable MSWindows... had a valid excuse to skip out of work early. Managed to keep the assinine incident count down to one... at least until we got outside but whatever. A personal record! No plans for this weekend but I booked a flight to LA for late October. It'll be good to see wise-man C and talk religion/philosophy till 4am. Hit up Big Tomy's, sing gangsta rap hooks and watch movies ALL DAY. Damn... gotta stop thinking I deserve shit and keep trying to live below my means...
18:32 |

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10.04.2002

Had a very, very sobering discussion with my dad tuesday night... about lots of things. Life in general I guess. Money, the human purpose, the future, goals (if any). My dad is wise in a lot of ways, but he also seems so cynical in some ways. I don't know if it's me being naive, or him having to change his views to adapt to hardships, or what. He said he used to think the same way that I do now. I am hoping I stay true to my ambitions/dogma (provided they aren't too naive) as I grow older. He did have an interesting perspective on money though. My previous thought of money=evil may need revision...

This week kinda felt light... I took it easy but at the same time I think work is starting to get a little better too. I'm feeling less frustrated now that I have a macroscopic view of things. I think I'm also adapting to my schedule. Kinda feels normal now to just get up, go to work, come home, chill, then sleep (and repeat). Whatever it is, it feels better now. I've gone over a week now without feeling a dire need to get shitfaced. Woo hoo!
21:03 |

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10.01.2002

Don't know why, and this just may be a combination of coincidence and bad timing, but it seems like no one has time to just hang out n chill anymore. I think I need to get the fuck outta here this weekend... find some perspective.

Oh, and here's link to some good music. This should've been up here a long time ago. It's all I've been listening to in the car these past few days, partly because it's just that good, and partly because I left my cd wallet at my friend's house...

music!
10:48 |

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