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b e n l y........
...............an outlet, of sorts
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6.22.2003
I feel like I'm stuck in a rut, though it is a comfortable one. I go through my typical day, with my typical routine, never wandering outside my comfort zone. I almost wish someone would throw a wrench in the works, and change my life's direction a little bit, because I don't know if I have the ballz to do it myself.
I find myself at odds with... myself. In the past, whenever I would look at my dad's life, I'd find myself thinking, man, he played it safe all his life, never took a risk. Not that there's anything wrong with that, and not that he didn't achieve anything. Quite the contrary, he's done very very well for himself considering he is first generation American, but then again, he never really went for it, you know? From the movie Rounders, "You can't lose what you don't put in the middle... but then again, you can't win anything either." If I were to do the same thing and play it safe, I know I'd look back on my life later and regret it because that's what I see my dad doing. It's this whole loyalty issue that's fuckin with my head, and I don't know whether or not to listen.
Sometimes I just wish I could play Pac-Man and Tetris all day.
21:52 |
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6.20.2003
$50 to the man with all the answers. What, no takers?
How about a $100 for a sense of purpose?
Kentaro says I should stop thinking so hard. I think I might actually agree.
Damn you, Pensiveness. Pensivation. Pensivity. Pensivitis.
01:13 |
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6.15.2003
Had a pretty damn good weekend. Started of with some NnC on friday night, which by the way, is the right way to start off a weekend. Started off with some Aloo Ghobi, Chana Masala, Rice, and Garlic Naan. Had to order up some Bhaingan Bharta later because whenever I don't have it, I end up kicking myself later on.
On saturday, my buddy Kentaro had a party at his house cuz his parents went out of town for the weekend for his brother Takeo's graduation (Congrats Takeo, you smart bastard). At first, we were gonna get a keg, but then decided against it, cuz they didn't have the beer we wanted in the size we needed. Instead, we opted for lots o' 12-packs. By the way, 12-pack of cans of Kirin went for $6.50 at Mitsuwa (that's just asking for something bad to happen). We used and old toy box from my childhood to hold the beers and ice. It's shaped like an elephant. Unfortunately, we didn't have a camera. Party got goin at about 10:30 when Ken got home from work. Played drinking games for hours. It will never cease to amaze me how alcohol breaks down barriers; age, language, creeds... it don't matter none, son. Taught everyone how to play Kings and it kinda got crazy. Didn't even get a chance to teach em 3-man cuz they were so infatuated with Kings. Much thanks to Ken and Nobu for hosting.
I was pretty disappointed at how far my tolerance has fallen. That, and I just get so damn full. Have I grown past drinking? Scary thought. I fear an identity crisis when I finally am able to return to my days of drink and meat. Someone shoot me if I become a dime-a-dozen bland asian male whose life really doesn't amount to much.
Today I woke up late, helped clean up, came home, and fell asleep in the bath tub. Woke up, vegged and watched tv. It sickens me at how the new season of "The Real World" is just a blatant hookup/drama fest. Or maybe I'm just jealous that I wasn't invited.
23:30 |
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6.12.2003
So... I interviewed for this job at my friend's company awhile back. It's another engineering job. Yippee skippy.
It started awhile back... my very good friend Jeff who knows I hate my job and who works at a startup tells me they're hiring and puts in a word for me over there. It was nice for awhile, thinking that maybe I'd have an out from this job I pretty much hate. It's not the people I work with or anything like that; I just don't feel like what I"m doing is important, and it's not at all rewarding, and because of the recession and everything, money is tight and I'm having to work much harder without the tools I need, and knowing that it would be 10 times easier having those tools is a bit frustrating. Run-on sentence. I digress.
So anyway, I entertained the idea for awhile, and it was a nice little pipe dream for those times that I got kinda pissed with work. About two weeks ago, I go in for an interview with my would-be boss over there and it doesn't go so hot. In fact, it was one of the worst interviews I've ever had, in my opinion. So I left feeling pretty down, but at least feeling good about the fact that I'd tried to do something about my job situation. I kept telling myself that I was a spoiled little shit, complaining about the job that I was lucky to have. Fast-forward two weeks to today, when I get an email from the guy, asking me for my salary history and references. Now I'm kind of torn as to what I should do about it. First of all, if I gave my two weeks notice at my job right now, they would pretty much be fucked. Sure, I hate my job, but that doesn't mean I'm not capable of loyalty. Second, who the hell am I supposed to get references from, if the only people I've ever worked with/for are the people at my current job? Third (and I probably should've mentioned this earlier) I'm trying to lose this whole engineering gig, not perpetuate it, and do something I like instead. I really wish the guy hadn't sent me anything. This is messing me up in the head a bit. So why even consider a job there in the first place? Startup = big payoff, or at least that's the idea... and it really looks like they're going to make it. Shit man, money really sucks. I know this, but I don't know why I'm still letting all this shit get to me.
I probably should've/could've written about stuff that matters more. I hope I didn't come across as a pretentious bastard.
00:17 |
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6.04.2003
Ok, so I slipped up a bit a couple weeks back and got ridiculously drunk. Puked, blacked out, the whole deal. It's those damn Fresno boys. I swear that on my best day, they'd drink me under the table and to them, it'd still be like they were just toying with me.
Had my second worst hang over ever, but it wasn't too bad. Woke up at noon and my eyes were having trouble adjusting to daylight so I went back to bed. Woke up again around 2pm feeling much better. Had the previous night recounted to me by fellow party-ers. I remembered the vodka, soju, and whiskey on my own; apparently brandy had been poured over my head as well because I had passed out before I was able to take a drink. The puking started in the back room and all over the front of my shirt. This was a perfectly good explanation of why I woke up wearing my white undershirt. However:
J: "You dumbass, that's not your undershirt. That's my undershirt."
B: "What the fuck are you talking about?"
J: "That's my undershirt. You puked on your undershirt."
B: "I thought you said I puked on my T-shirt."
J: "You did. Then we took that off of you and then you puked on your undershirt. Then we took that off of you and I gave you one of my T-shirts and you puked on that you motherfucker. That undershirt is the only other thing we had left."
B: "Fuck... damn man, I'm sorry."
J: "Do you still have your tattoos?"
B: "What tattoos?"
J: "Lift up your shirt"
B: [lifts up shirt and sees "I Love Cock", among other things, written in permanent marker] "Motherfucker!!"
I swear, half the fun of partying with these guys is waking up the next morning and trying to get our stories straight. Sorry to Nick, Leslie, JD, and Marie for passing out before I could say goodbye. I hope you all had fun too.
Saw Jason Mraz at the Fillmore on the 27th. It was my first show at the Fillmore; very nice. I'll have to try to see shows there more often. The show was good, except for those damn pushy kids and one obnoxious little bastard that new all the words and felt like he had to prove it too. Also saw Coldplay and Shoreline on the 30th. I must say, I was kind of disappointed. The sound at the Greek Theater show in Berkeley seemed so much better. Regardless, I got to meet Ron Sexsmith and took a picture with him. Crazy shit.
Saw Goh play at Ireland's 32 in the city last Sunday. He did a crazy ass rendition of Bon Jovi's "Wanted Dead or Alive". The crowd went berserk. Ate at the NnC on Irving. Had the Aloo Ghobi, Chana Masala, Bahrain Bharta, and Garlic Naan. I am convinced that Naan n Curry is the key to world peace and curing cancer.
00:59 |
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