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b e n l y........
...............an outlet, of sorts
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7.15.2005
Last Thursday I talked to my boss about me leaving the company. He took it a lot better than I thought he would. Maybe because I'm giving him such early notice. I told him how I had only intended to stay for a year, and now I'm coming up on three, and how I don't see myself doing this longterm. Told him I wanted to start acupuncture school in February, and he said he'd prefer that I stay until June so that they could find a college hire when school gets out. I felt good walking away from the meeting, but after I left work I started having a little panic attack. Kind of like Peter Gibbons in Office Space after he turned in the confession and traveler's checks.
I had a dream about Ina last week. It made me think about asking her out. Nothing big, just coffee or something. The thing is, I don't have her number and I feel lame emailing her. I don't want to ask Dave for her number because a) that's creepy and b) I don't want him to get all excited. I also can't read her very well at this point. She flirts, but I don't know if it is because she is attracted to me in particular or if that's just how she is with everyone. Maybe the next time I see her I will ask her discreetly. I'm worried about how V will take it. This doesn't mean I've given up on Grace; but I must admit it's getting harder to look at her with these eyes. I just hope this isn't one of the things I regret not doing later in life. I've done that way too much already.
Oh, another weird dream last night, too. Dreamt I was driving my car on the freeway and I was sitting upside down in my seat, but somehow I could still see the road. Then I got pulled over by a cop, and then this bus full of people showed up and Kristen K was driving it. Weird. We talked a bit, but it was awkward. Don't know why. Then, in my dream, I woke up. Kristen was still there, and I saw this spider, and then I saw another bug. I flicked the spider over to the bug and it started to eat it. Then I saw another spider that was bigger. Then my dream cut to another chapter which I can't remember. This morning I was trying to remember whether I had dreamt in first person or third. I know some parts were in first person, like seeing the spider and stuff, but I feel like some parts may have been in third. Anyway...
07:42 |
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7.06.2005
So I talked to Karen and Dave a couple weeks ago about the Grace. Should've posted then, but I've been too busy. Long story short, they advised against it. Well, specifically, they said I should keep looking. I know they are probably right, but some things you just can't help. It was the first time I'd talked openly to anyone about anything in a long time. The fact that we weren't looking at each other made it easier I think. We were all walking back to their house from dinner and I was tailing behind them, talking as we walked.
I've been thinking about her a lot. Damn, like a LOT. The rational part of me knows that she is one of those girls that is too nice for me. My sense of humor is way too dark for her. But man... MAN! I actually contemplated sending her boyfriend an email, telling him to hurry the fuck up and marry her or move on. Somehow I managed to restrain myself.
I saw her last Sunday at DK's BBQ but didn't really talk to her much at all. I felt awkward. I feel like everything I do or say makes it painfully obvious that I am attracted to her. Probably just paranoia, but Karen says she can tell. Saw her this morning in class and we talked for a bit. Made my week! I managed to talk like a normal person for once. Had to slap myself on the way home because I couldn't wipe the stupid grin off of my face.
Oh yeah, and I had a really weird dream the other night. Got invited to a party at Kevin Buskirk's house. In the dream he lived in this big mansion and I was driving there and Grace was in the car with me. She was crying as she was talking to me. I think she was opening up to me about something. Heh, maybe it was an omen of things to come. So anyway, we get to the house and then for some reason I have to go get the car. I get in and start driving to the front and all of a sudden people appear out of nowhere, swarming the place. I think it was like a suprise party or something and it turns out that me and my Volvo ruined it. I tried to keep driving without running over anyone, but I was having a hard time. Dan Lavetter made a cameo. I think he jumped a brick wall or something while he was carrying an instrument case. It was a weird dream. I think I'll start keeping a pen and paper in my nightstand.
17:30 |
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