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b e n l y........
...............an outlet, of sorts
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12.28.2005
My friend's dad died two days before Christmas.
The first couple days were so hard for them. You have to understand how devoted this family is to God in order to comprehend how devastating the timing was. There were gifts he had bought but not had a chance to give. The tree was half-decorated and had to be taken down; possibly the first time in the history of Christmas trees that one was taken down on December 26th. Instead of Christmas cards and season's greetings, it was sympathy cards and concerned phone calls. The list goes on and on.
The last time my friend saw his dad was the Monday before. My friend's sister flew in late the night before, but she didn't get to see him before he left the next morning. Tragic. No one said goodbye because no one saw it coming. I was so mad at God the first day or two because of the way everything had gone down.
They are all doing much better now. They are all back to eating, sleeping, knowing what day of the week it is, etc. I find myself worrying about the mom a lot though; once the memorial passes and people say their goodbyes, she will be alone in the house. Even she sees it coming and admits how scared she is.
This is my first intimate experience with death. I've had relatives pass away, but none that I had been close to. I wouldn't recognize most of my relatives if I passed them on the street. It is hard to know how to help, how to be there for them but not be in the way. The hardest part is not knowing what to say, because I don't know how to relate. There are also things NOT to say, like "widow", "death", etc.
I forgot how close I had been to this family. Their house was like a second or third home to me years ago when I was in high school. A few weeks ago I had been thinking about going to visit the parents. With all the changes I am making, I felt like I should at least drop by and let them know what I was up to and say thanks for helping to raise me. I have deep regrets for not visiting them when I had the chance.
I came into work tonight hoping to get some stuff done, but I guess I am still a bit preoccupied with all of this. I'll make one more concerted effort and then call it a night.
Mr. Mincey, if you happen to read this, I'd just like to say thank you, and I will miss you.
19:24 |
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12.06.2005
Decided to check out my blog and found it rather entertaining to read... I should try to keep this up.
Masa opened his restaurant in October. This is a very exciting time for him, I think. It seems he is doing very well. Its tough to try to get people to understand why I was so devoted to helping him. Really it comes down to helping another person realize their dream. It's upsetting how many people thought that he should be indebted to me or what not... it's sad that some people feel you can't do something for someone and not expect anything in return.
Lots of changes... I like the fact that I am not completely freaked out. I take it as a sign that I am moving in the right direction. Leaving work on January 20th, starting school on the 30th. Gotta move back home, too, at some point. Gonna get LASIK on January 9th, so no more glasses. Lots of changes.
I have been depressed the last couple weeks, though I don't want to admit it to myself, because that would be admitting that I am emotionally weak; the best I can manage is to tell myself that my weakness is what makes me human... but I still don't like it. I have been depressed because I've been thinking about Grace again. A frustrating situation. I had a talk with Aya and told her I felt there was nothing I could do, given that I don't want to be "that guy" (the guy that steals another guy's girl, not that she would leave him for me to begin with)... part of me sat there hoping that she'd tell me there was something I could do, but she didn't (and I don't mean that disparagingly; I say it because there just isn't. Like I said, a frustrating situation). I started going to physical therapy to help with my knees, and intentionally scheduled my appointments so that I would have an excuse not to go to yoga and run into her. Haven't seen or spoken to her in quite awhile. I hope I can buck up by Christmas because I know I'll run into her somewhere.
This depression is probably good experience for me, long term, but it doesn't make this winter any warmer or end any sooner. Normally I wouldn't bitch about this stuff, but for the record: being alone in the winter fucking sucks, man.
I am hoping I can turn a new leaf and get back to where I was in July. I was happy in July, for the most part. I was on top of my shit, figuratively speaking. I hope I can get back there before I start school. You know, so that I can save the world.
14:48 |
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