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b e n l y........
...............an outlet, of sorts
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5.24.2006
So I am done with my first semester of school, effectively. Two more days of classes, but done with exams. That went by kinda fast. Not sure if I should attribute it to the fact that I found it enjoyable, or that time inherently passes more quickly as one gets older... or so I've heard.
Not much going on, I guess, but I feel guilty for not posting a few days ago when I actually felt compelled to.
My dad was getting kinda psycho for a few weeks there, but he has mellowed out again. Perhaps it was the weather. The tide of Sam. Heh. I, too, have been feeling much better the last three days, even amidst final exams... though I felt very bummed out all of a sudden Tuesday afternoon. Lightened up a bit today, but still lingering. I think it had something to do with Aimee, which brings me to...
Spring has sprung. Girls are everywhere. I must admit I find Aimee distracting, but I am quite certain she is spoken for -- which is, surprise surprise, consistent with my tendency to want that which I cannot have. And, as I said, a distraction... it is not "inspired". For that, there is Grace, always Grace...
My brain comes up with some fucked up shit sometimes, like conspiracy theories about groups of women plotting against me, or at least treating me as a mere pawn. Am I paranoid? Er, wait. Let me rephrase that: How paranoid am I? This kind of thing happens, right? It does in the movies, at least. Sometimes I think my life would be much simpler if I thought with my penis instead of my brain.
Subject change. I want to start writing my own book of proverbs, with the intent of sharing it with my kids, if/when I have them. Life lessons, universal truths, perspectives/observations, etc. I've got a couple jotted down on a napkin, and a couple more floating around in my head from when I was too lazy too write them down (bad habit). I also want to make a list of ways in which we are walking contradictions (i.e. God created us for entertainment purposes). I would start them here, but my contempt for the internet is growing. Now they want to regulate it? One step closer to ruining what started out as a beautiful thing. Pretty soon the internet will be a sea of crap with only a couple channels of wholesome "public television". I am rooting for the hackers, but it is looking grim. Picture radio pirates, or the people that take advantage of public cable access. See what I mean?
23:34 |
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5.06.2006
I am forcing myself to do an entry/brain dump.
Last Saturday I went to a birthday dinner for Lolo. Grace was there, and so was the girl to whom I felt obligated to apologize at Dlee's going away party. Let's call her Jen, cuz hey, that's her name... I think. Karen felt compelled to recount the events of that evening to Grace, and they both seemed to find the awkwardness of the situation quite amusing. Normally, I wouldn't have had a problem with this, but come on, this was pretty damn awkward as far as social situations go. Damn, I already used that word.
So anyway, I ended up feeling off-kilter the rest of the night, even when Jen tried to start a conversation with me. This would have been the perfect time to clear the air and say, "Hey, sorry I'm acting weirder than usual. See that girl over there? She doesn't know this, but I'm totally infatuated with her, and she's giving me a hard time about acting like a jackass around you the other night. So you see, I'm feeling very self-conscious right now." Then we both would've had a good laugh about the whole thing. Instead, it went something like:
Her: "Hey!"
Me: "Uh, hi."
Her: "How's it going?"
Me: "Alright."
(Awkward pause)
Her: "So how was your week?"
Me: "Um... okay, I guess." (Pause) "Uneventful."
Her: "Uneventful compared to last weekend, huh?"
Me: (Long pause, then I realize she is referring to Dlee's party.) "Oh, heh. Right." (Another long pause) Uh, my butt itches. I don't think I did a very good job wiping my ass earlier. I'll be right back."
I made that last part up.
I spent the rest of the night avoiding the both of them. After I got home and went to bed, I lay awake thinking about why I was so uncomfortable around Grace. She'd been at dinner the Tuesday before and I couldn't bring myself to look her in the eye for more than a few seconds at a time. Then I got this idea in my head: I should just tell her that I'm attracted to her, and then I would be fine. Everything would be out in the open. She would know that I am attracted to her, and I would know that she knows, and she would know that I know that she knows, etc. I have no reason to be ashamed. I mean, it's not like I'm trying to get her to break up with her boyfriend. We're both adults, right? Stuff like this happens to people all the time. There's no way she doesn't already know anyway, but having it out on the table makes all the difference.
The truth shall set you free, man. The truth shall set you free.
Now all I have to do is talk to her over a cup of coffee or something... I'm in no hurry though, and neither is she, I'm sure.
In other news, the benefits from the cleanse I did are starting to fade. BMs aren't as nice/frequent, and I've had a couple sneezing fits. I am going to make a concerted effort to eat very healthy this weekend.
My vocabulary is going to shit. Maybe I am hanging out with too many hippies/fobs at school.
01:53 |
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